When you mute the chatter and noise, you find peace and guidance in the silence.
This pandemic has taken me on an emotional rollercoaster. In the beginning, I was okay with it. I was a home body by nature, so I didn’t think being forced to stay in the house would be a big deal. The ideas were flourishing and I was content.
As one month turned into two and two turned into five… that contentment became angst. I’ve been suffering with triggers, overthinking, worry, and anxiety… sometimes on a daily basis. What I’ve learned about myself is that I have a major need to be in control. If I’m not in control of everything that concerns me… I feel a lot of dis-ease. I started going to therapy last month, and it helped me out a lot. But, if I was unable to talk to my therapist when I needed her most, I would have an episode. (Again, control.)
So that caused me to realize while therapy is necessary and very helpful, I have to learn 1. To self-soothe and 2. Learn to release my need of control and go with the flow. As I’ve been working on both things, my thoughts began to grow louder and louder and louder. The walls of my home and mind were closing in on me… and no one but no one knew.
It became more difficult for me to trust myself and my thoughts because I was having so many conflicting ones, which led to it being impossible for me to trust those in my life. In every instance and situation, I kept thinking about the worst possible outcome out of fear and my need to be in control. Long story short, sis was drowning, okay?
I woke up yesterday, just above water. From the moment I got up, I was on edge. I felt like it would be the day I broke. Completely. My mind had begun to spin too many times and ways with too many thoughts, issues, possibilities, reminders, and promises. My edge was crumbling. I literally felt the rocks breaking underneath my feet, and I was afraid of when and how I would fall. How I would crash. Break.
Would it be on myself? My partner? An author? Reader?
I made the decision, quickly, to remove all of my social media apps indefinitely and silence my raging thoughts. Almost immediately, just from that one act, I felt a million pounds lighter. There’s something about being mindful of what you’re feeding your mind with that gives you peace. I smiled, genuinely, as my body relaxed and mind slowed down. For the first time in months, I felt like I had control of something. I felt like I wasn’t being pulled in a million directions. Like I didn’t have to try. Or be. Or teach. Or entertain. Or help. My mind wasn’t being filled with drama, shade, conflicting opinions and ideas, or any form of negativity.
Almost as soon as I did this, my mind opened up. A fully laid out plan dropped into my spirit on the next move for me and my career. My publishing company. And as if that wasn’t enough of a win, my nephew was born just before the day was over. I’d been depressed for months because I was unable to see my sister. I’d only seen her once, at her baby shower, ALL FUCKING YEAR. Well, okay, I may have seen her once or twice before March but still. It didn’t feel like those mattered. From March to August 1st, I hadn’t seen her at all. Hug her. Love on her. Rub her belly. All I could do was buy her things to try and compensate for my lack of presence, but that didn’t really help. Still, I told myself that that was for the best because of the virus. Even though I haven’t had it, I didn’t want to risk anything happening to her and the baby. This was the longest I’d ever gone without seeing my sister, and that hurt me to my core. I think that’s what hurt worse.
But our little Leo Lion King is here now, and even though I want to stay away to keep him safe, I might throw caution to the wind and go see him next week. Because, it’s a mind thing. You know? The paranoia and overthinking. The fear. Solitary confinement is NOT the way for your girl, lol.
Anyway, I’ve been jamming to Mali Music and Jhene Aiko, reading my bible, and studying spiritual teachers to help keep sane. I wanted to write this blog post to express how helpful stepping back has been for me. In only 24 hours, my mind has… experienced a lightness and freedom that I haven’t felt all year.
I encourage you to take control of your triggers and those things that make you feel trapped. Consumed. Confined. It may not be social media for you. Whatever it is making you feel held prisoner… release yourself from it, beloved. Don’t get so caught up in hustling. FLOW.
For me, this pandemic has meant the death and the end of a lot of things, including my ego. It’s been uncomfortable as hell, but necessary. Because now, I’m learning and preparing to give birth to new things. So, with this blog post, I say goodbye to the old… and hello to the new.
I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone… probably until I have a book to drop. But when I do come back, I promise you, you won’t recognize me. :)
Love and light to you,
B. Love